Soma Rising

How A Mild Concussion Quietly Hijacks Your Life

• Tabitha MacDonald • Episode 84

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When your life starts slipping sideways, it is easy to blame your mindset, your trauma, your hormones, your ADHD, or your willpower. I tell a story that changed how I see all of that: I fell, hit my head, told myself I was fine, and kept going until my behavior started telling the truth for me. What followed was months of dizziness, brain fog, avoidance, mood changes, impulsive spending, and a creeping belief that I was “broken” even though I’ve spent years studying healing and self-coaching.

We get painfully specific about mild traumatic brain injury and post-concussion symptoms, including how executive dysfunction can hide in plain sight. I walk through the symptom list that can look like burnout, depression, anxiety, empty nest grief, or perimenopause and explain why the brain can’t always connect the dots after an impact. We also talk about the coaching and wellness trap of trying to “think your way” out of physiology, and why positive thinking supports healing but cannot override brain science.

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This is Soma Rising: Conversations for a Conscious Future —where health, wealth, love, and purpose flow together on the Golden Path of alignment.  Learn more at somatribe.org

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Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Bodyworker committed to helping people overcome pain fast so they can experience the love, success, freedom, and fulfillment they deserve.

Additional Resources:


The First Fall And The Shame

Second Head Impact And Panic

When Positive Thinking Replaces Medicine

The Spiral Of Irrational Choices

Hidden Symptoms Of Mild Brain Injury

Trauma Stories That Mask The Real Cause

The Single Mom Blind Spot

Tools That Actually Help Recovery

Midlife Identity Loss And The Messy Middle

Invitation To Soma Tribe

Share This With Someone Who Needs It

SPEAKER_00

Before we get into anything today, I want to ask you something. When's the last time you looked in the mirror? Not at your face, but at your behavior, and thought, something's off. Not sad, not stressed, not going through it, but actually off. Most of us don't. Because we're busy, because we're coping, because we're single moms or caregivers, or people who learned a long time ago to keep the wheels turning no matter what's happening underneath. And sometimes. Sometimes something is actually wrong. And nobody around you knows it. And the terrifying part, neither do you. That's what this episode is about. It was April 2024. I was helping my dad with my stepmom's funeral. There was a lot going on. I had just signed up for my dream coaching program that was gonna help me launch my online business and help me finally like see my purpose in the real world to bring it to light, to bring it into the world, this dream I had for a long time. I'm at my stepmom's funeral in a hotel. I'm not at the funeral yet. And my daughter's visiting from Arizona, and I was so excited to see her because she just brings my heart so much love and joy. And we go down to the gym and I'm running on the treadmill. And when I say running, I mean I was walking. And I started doing breath work with my arms and pumping air into my nose because I was trying to multitask because I didn't have enough time. And I was like, oh, I'll do this Tony Robbins priming exercise while I'm walking on the treadmill because that's smart. That's me. I was about 48, and you know, I just didn't have a lot of free time. So I decided to multitask on the treadmill. Note to self, don't do that. Uh un unsurprisingly, I flew off that treadmill and landed on my head. My daughter had already gone back to our hotel room to get ready. And the only witness to my tragic accident was a young girl who walked over in the kindest, sweetest uh 20-year-old voice and said, Oh, my mom does that too. Are you okay? And I said, Oh, I'm absolutely fine. Had to get on with the day because I had things to take care of, other people to look after. Now I noticed that I started getting a little bit dizzy and disoriented through the day. And I even said to my dad, I hit my head and he didn't hear me. To be fair, he was going through it, right? And he definitely did not hear me. What he said in reply to my comment was, Did you pick the things up from staples that we need? And I I put shame into that moment. I anchored it into that moment. And what I anchored into my body was nobody cares about what happens to me. Did I intentionally do this? Absolutely not. Was it a totally normal reaction to having nobody notice that you just landed on your head and it might have severe consequences for you? Probably. But here's what's even spicier, my friends. About a month later, I was walking down my stairs, going to an NLP training that I was very excited about. I was learning a lot. I'm very nerdy if you know me. I love being in a four-day immersive where I just get to like focus on something that I enjoy learning. It really helps me anchor things in. And I'm walking down the stairs. I slipped on the bottom stair. And guess where I landed? Not on my butt, on my head. Somehow I managed to skip the whole rest of my skeleton and landed smack, full force, all my weight on the back of my cranium. Now, I know about concussions because I do this for a living. You see, I trained with a concussion therapist uh before COVID and worked heavily with brain injuries because of my long work with motor vehicle accidents and sports massage and things where people get head injuries. And there was a point before COVID where I was going to focus solely on really diving deep into the impact massage therapy, especially neuromuscular therapy, and the benefit that it can have on people who are suffering with brain injuries, mostly because of having that person outside of you help walk you through the symptoms that you might be experiencing. And then also the work that we can do with the nervous system, the brain, cranial, sacral, things like that that help heal the brain faster than one traditional method alone. So here I am, it's a month later, and I'm thinking, I can't get a head injury, I can't get a concussion, I can't, I can't do this. And I'm like, just get in the car and go to your go. Just get in the car and go. You're gonna be just fine. And there's a deep panic running inside of me at this moment as I'm driving to this conference because one, I know it's my second head injury. Two, I realize I had ignored the first one and never did anything about it. And three, I'm I love my mind. I love it. Like I'm not one of those people that doesn't like my mind. I love my mind. It is a magical place, and I'm terrified of not having access to it. So I get to the training and I I pull the trainer aside and I said, I just landed on my head. And I was wondering, do you know if there's anything that NLP can help with with concussions? And he said, Yeah. Just tell yourself you're not gonna get a concussion, that you have perfect mental health, that your brain is in perfect health. Just do that and you'll be fine. So here I am, a trained massage therapist. Right? I know the science behind concussions. I also love positive thinking as a tool to help you heal faster. But I want you to just sit with this for a moment. Because who knows what happens to the brain under impact? And why would you let someone tell you that positive thinking was going to override brain science? Because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to believe that nothing bad was about to happen to me. And I wanted to believe, because I'm a social seven, that thought if I just stay in the end result, I'll be fine. If I just stay in the end result of a healthy mind, I'll be fine. You know what? Turns out you can't ignore brain science with positive thinking and end results. Write that one on a post-it, put it on your fridge. You're welcome. So here's what happened next. Nothing. I mean everything happened, but I didn't connect to any of it. I kept working, I started making really irrational choices. Like spending$8,000 on a public speaking course, I could not afford going places that challenged my nervous system in a way that it wasn't ready to be challenged. And I was doing more harm than good to myself, thinking I just have to move forward. Instead of giving myself time to heal and giving myself time and space to actually assess what was happening in my life, I stopped looking at my financials completely. Not because I'm irresponsible, but because part of having a concussion or a head injury is avoidance. I simply stopped looking and I didn't even know it. I didn't know I hadn't turned in my text paperwork. I didn't know I hadn't done a profit and loss statement. I didn't know. I just couldn't figure out why nothing was working. I would cry at night because I was alone and I thought I was lonely. Turns out it was the concussion. I had no idea. I started having this nasty voice in my head, and I couldn't even hear it because it was so familiar. It was old. It wasn't my voice, it was someone else's. But it was so familiar, I didn't even know it was separate. So before we go on, I'm gonna tell you what all of the symptoms of a mild, mild mind you, brain injury are. Now, you don't have to have a major bunk to the head to have a mild brain injury. Sometimes you might just have a mild whiplash accident where, I don't know, you were headbanging too hard or you had a fender bender, and your brain got scrambled inside of its house. That can cause some bruising. And that can cause some difficulties with executive functioning, which I was blaming on ADHD and dyslexia. I wasn't blaming it on the head injury. In fact, almost all of my symptoms could be explained by emptiness syndrome, unprocessed trauma, and all the other emotional baggage I'd been carrying around for 48 years. So I'm gonna go through these with you memory impairment, alterations in attention, disturbances in mood, headaches, fatigue, lack of endurance, difficulties with organization. Hello, have you met me? I can't organize a closet to save my life. I didn't even notice my messy bedroom or the garage piling up like the room of requirement from Harry Potter. I didn't even see these things because my mind was not letting me see the disorganization. I had limitations in abstract thinking, lack of initiation, which I thought was laziness, apathy is also what it's called, lack of inhibition, meaning, hmm, I'll just use my credit card to pay for that. No problem. The coaching industry loves people like me because all they have to do is get my logical brain offline so they can get in there and ask me to spend money I don't have because of hope, purpose, or whatever other tool that they're using in their messaging. And someone with a brain injury is like, yeah, that's me, because it's that easy to get your logical brain off because the two atmospheres aren't even talking. Slowed thinking or information processing, dizziness, sensory and perceptual disturbances, probably how I had the second fall, probably missed the step because I couldn't see it. Sexual inhibition or lack of inhibition. Hello, Mr. Red Flag, you look attractive, I'll say yes. Sleep impairments, problems with language production or comprehension, visual disturbances, blurred double vision, my eyesight has now needed new glasses, didn't put it together. Reduced concentration, I just thought that was ADHD. I had no idea that I wasn't reading books anymore, that he couldn't process information when I was reading it. Increased sensitivity to noise or light, chronic pain, numbness, or weakness. Isn't that just what 48 feels like? Changes in mood, anxiety or depression. I didn't even know it was depression because it snuck in so quietly. I thought it was just an empty nest. Having your daughter move out, being alone, being single, and not wanting to be single, feeling like the world had suddenly turned against me, but I didn't know that it was my mind keeping me in this prison loop of this irritable pain. And I didn't even know I was in it. Irritability, it's just me. Like, who am I gonna be irritable with? Myself, apparently. So those are the list of symptoms that could have been mistaken for so many other things. Now, because I didn't trust doctors at the time, I didn't go to one because I wasn't putting the two things together. Now you may be listening to this and going, how could you not put those together? Because the parts of your brain that organize information are not speaking to one another. And there are so many other traumatic things that had happened to me since 2020. I had no ability to tell that it was those two things. I kept going back to the things that happened to me in 2021, and I could not register that it was just this really recent accident that was impairing my ability to move forward. It was almost like I was living in Groundhog's Day, over and over, repeating the same vicious cycles and patterns. And I thought, it's me. I can't heal. I can't change. I'm broken. Even though the mentor that I had hired to help me through the 2021 to 2023 phase of my life wrote a book called You're Not Broken, I still believed I was broken. I believed something was fundamentally wrong with me, that I would never be able to concentrate, commit, or see something through to the end result. Instead of recognizing all of the success that I had had, I started seeing all of my failures as if that was all I could see. It was like somebody took my rose-colored glasses and replaced them with doom and gloom. And it was awful because I couldn't see it. Nobody lived with me to tell me about it. And I hid it from my colleagues at work, blaming it on bad decisions because of COVID and what happened with the business and our downturn since then. I wasn't even seeing it myself. So why am I telling you this story? Because now that I'm starting to heal and getting the right treatment and the right care for the brain injury, I'm finally able to go and look back and forgive myself, have a heck of a lot of compassion, and also realize that there's something unique about being a single mom in today's world, especially if you don't have a close family. And in my case, I wasn't talking to my family at all. And so I had nobody left that I trusted who could come to me and say, Hey, your behavior at night, you know, where you're like binge eating and crying while you're watching true crime documentaries, probably not normal. Or maybe it is. I don't know, but it didn't feel good when I woke up in the morning and something always felt off. And it was usually when I was on my way home, it was almost like a flip in my brain would switch on that was depressed, who felt alone and isolated and terrified of making any decisions because I felt like every decision I made was cursed and that I was cursed. In fact, that was the solution I came up with was that God must just hate me and I must just be a cursed person. I was probably a horrible person in a past life, and now I'm being punished for it. That's a lot of what my mind came up with. I have about eight journals because I'm not someone who's afraid of self-discovery and self-inquiry. I've been studying self-coaching since 2016, like my life depended on it. And I always wanted to have the tools myself in case somebody else wasn't available, that I would be able to work through anything when it came up instead of shoving it down for later. I am extremely passionate about self-coaching. I am extremely like extremely passionate about self-inquiry and being able to see past your own barriers and shadows so that you have the tools that you need and that you can be very self-sufficient. Because, you know, I've met people where they were like, well, I couldn't get a hold of my therapist and everything fell apart. I don't ever want that experience. I want to know that I have an arsenal of tools at my fingertips so that if I feel like I'm falling apart, I can go ahead and take care of it in that moment instead of waiting for someone. And that is my way of being in my own power and my self-empowerment, is having built that library of tools because it has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. And when I sat down to write this episode, it wasn't about concussions, it was about the power of self-reflection and self-healing. Because the truth is, at that time in my life, I didn't trust anyone. If they said something to me, because I was recovering from a lot of narcissistic abuse, I didn't trust them. I would do the opposite. The head injury, it made it worse because I didn't trust a soul to not manipulate me the way that I had been manipulated by narcissists for most of my life. And I'm gonna tell you right now that it is a hard place to be. If you've ever come out of a narcissistic relationship, and it doesn't have to be a romantic one, it could be one from work, it could be one from a religious organization, it could be one from, I don't know, the news, social media, a friend group. It's hard because that whole system is designed to make you question who you are. And then when you're going through healing, you're expected to trust a stranger to not also tell you who you are in a wrong way. I was like, no, this is between me and my higher self, and I'm pissed at her right now for choosing this shit life when I feel like, you know, she should have asked for a little bit more cushion. So this was about me and myself, healing the relationship that I have with myself, trusting myself and learning how to be able to do that in a way that wasn't going to take me down a path that that wasn't right for me. And I had had a lot, I had been in the coaching industry since 2020, like really actively engaged with coaching programs. And I had a lot of bad coaches. I had a lot of great coaches, but I had a lot of bad ones. And because I had this new narrative, which is, oh, you can't, you shouldn't be uncoachable. I stopped trusting myself even more, thinking that the advice they were giving me was right for me. And not being able to differentiate between intuition and advice. Because sometimes when you're working with intuitive coaches, they'll give you advice and not let you know that that's not intuition, that it's advice. It's hard to know the difference between the two. That's why I always check it when I'm working with my clients that I'm not in advice mode and I'm in intuition mode because it's really important. Because basically, intuition is just information coming in from your higher self about the best path forward on your life. That's all it is. People think it's some weird woo-woo thing. It's not. You know, it's your higher self communicating with you about solutions to wherever you're at in life. But because of my head injury, I couldn't hear my higher self anymore. I had like this weird network of false information coming through that sounded like intuition, but it wasn't. And in uh one of the books that I studied, he actually talks about this phenomenon of the false higher self that sounds like your true higher self. And how with people who have complex PTSD or head injuries, things like that, that make things that are different, unique circumstances, their intuition might be hijacked by a protector controller network that sounds like the true higher self and it's not. I talk about this a lot in Soma Tribe. In fact, I created a ton of processes that help us clear away any of that programming so that you only get clear communication from your true, most benevolent higher self as you're looking at studying and learning how to develop and use your intuition. And it's part of my favorite thing that about what I have added to Soma Tribe, probably as a result of this head injury, because you know, I am a seven, which means anything I go through, I'm probably gonna turn it into a change process that's gonna help other people one day. That's just how I'm built. So I'm not telling you this story either because I want you to feel sorry for me because I'm fine. Like I know I'll always find the answer. And I'm definitely in recovery. I'm I'm so grateful for two people. One day I was at work and this new client comes in. She was referred to me by a family that I've been caring for for longer than I can remember. And she was sent to me specifically for a head injury that she had had when she flew off of a mountain bike. I could relate. And she was a nurse in an ER department and a single mom. And my heart literally opened for her in so much compassion because single moms who work taking care of others, man, we deserve a special place in heaven. That's all I have to say. So as I'm sitting there going through this list with her, it was about eight months after the first head injury, and I was going through the protocols with her, and I was talking to her about the symptoms, and I looked at her and I said, The tricky thing about head injury is that nobody is around to tell you when you start avoiding things. So I need you to be really aware of these symptoms because you might not notice them yourself. And you remember that symptom list I just went over a couple minutes ago? I'm going through that symptom list with her. And as I'm reading them off one by one, I started realizing I could check each and every one of them. And I had a moment of complete aha and absolute tears. Because I'd been struggling with an undiagnosed head injury for eight months, and there was nobody around to tell me, including myself. Now, because I think single moms get this like, you just have to get shit done, right? Like that's just how it is. Your kids need you. You just gotta keep going. We're really good at hiding stuff that's not going well. We're really good at it. We're really good at burying it and moving forward. And I think that this is honestly one of the saddest things with the high divorce rates right now. It makes us so susceptible to predatory partners. It makes us so susceptible to financial problems, to lack of success, to burnout, to disease, because we're literally burning the candle at all ends. And some half-decent jerk with a, you know, screwdriver comes in and is like, hey, let me change your garbage disposal. And you're like, oh my God, you're like speaking my love language. But, anyways, we'll talk about that on another episode. But seriously, it's real. It is a problem. And I think that that is an epidemic that we don't talk about enough. So as I'm going through this symptom list, and I'm saying you're even more vulnerable because you're a single mom. Um, I'm realizing that I had eight months of bad decisions, self-blame, old trauma spirals, anxious attachment, brutal self-criticism, low self-worth, foggy thinking, emotional chaos I never saw. And it took me sitting across from someone else's injury to figure out my own. I had all the knowledge, all the training, I had all the tools. I was by every measure the expert in the room. I just didn't know I was also the patient. So I want you to just think about this for a moment. Because I'm telling you this because I think a lot of people are living in an explanation. You have a story for everything that's wrong. And this story is probably partially true. The old trauma is real, the anxious attachment is real, the burnout is real. Those things don't disappear just because there's also something physiologically happening. But sometimes the reason you can't seem to heal the thing, you keep trying to heal is because you're trying to heal the wrong thing. And sometimes the most powerful tool isn't a modality or a practice or a healing program. Sometimes the most powerful tool is the right question to get asked out loud, which is what my client gave me that day, without either of us knowing it. So let's talk about what works when you're falling apart and nobody knows it, including you. Watch your behavior. Behavior is the highest form of communication. One of the hardest things when healing a brain injury is the avoidance. I had no idea my finances were in a mess because I never looked at them. Anytime someone brought up, hey, let's do mind your money or check your bank or look at your profit and loss, I'd be like, oh yeah, no problem. And then I would go and do completely the opposite thing, not because there was something wrong with me, but my brain was protecting me from an area of it that was damaged. And it didn't want me to know that because I have a lovely brain. And all of us do. And it will protect the things that we are not allowed to know at any cost, including with distraction and avoidance. I hate it when people talk about avoidance and distraction, like there's some kind of huge character flaw. When usually there's some kind of physiological or like chemical reason why you're doing it. And perhaps it's because you have a really intense protector controller network that's just trying to keep you safe from knowing the truth that you're not ready to see. And it's really hard to get around that, which is why coaches, healers, therapists, friends, it's good to have someone that you trust that can reflect to you the things that you can't see. Now, I will say I have been using Claude AI to help me with this. One of my clients gave me this brilliant way of putting in some information so Claude can be a reflector. I will also say, AI can only get you so far and show you some of the blind spots. Sometimes you do need another human. In fact, when I hit my head the third time, yes, the third time, whacked my face right into a chair. I ran immediately into Daniel's office and I started crying. And I said, Don't let me lose myself again. I just got myself back. And it felt so good to have somebody that I could finally say that to. And thank God Daniel was studying cranial sacral therapy. And he started doing cranial sacral therapy on me. And that had a massive shift on my brain recovery. And once I knew that it was impacting my personality, my decision making, the way that I was able to process information and what it was making me avoid and why, I started working with nervous system tools that help regulate. I started taking the right vitamins. I've been trying to do the right diet, but unfortunately, the brain chemistry piece would create a little too much stress for me. So I'm writing a system out right now to figure out how to integrate diet and exercise and get that chemistry right. And I'm also, you know, finally making my life more simple. I finally decided that it was okay that I wasn't healed yet. I finally decided that it was okay to slow down, to simplify, and to say, enough. I'm going to make my life so small for a moment that I can make sure that my brain is healed before I move on by creating something bigger and I'm going to make sure that the systems I have in place are safe, even from my own dysregulated state. If you're going through this, if you're going through a period of time in your life when you don't feel like yourself, please don't ignore it. You want to pay attention. And I'm saying that from a personal experience. I have worked with people who've been through massive body traumas for over 12 years now. And this is one of the conversations I'll always start with because when I get my car accident clients in and they've had like three car accidents in a year, and I'm like, okay, so what are your expectations for healing? And they're like, like me, like this optimist, I'll just think my way into it. And I'm like, mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm here to hold space for what's real and what's possible. And the truth is in the middle. Because the truth is nobody wants to believe that it's in the middle. But sometimes the middle is messy and it's complicated, and we don't know what's going to happen until we're in it. And I think midlife, which is where I'm at right now, is a lot like that because you're kind of like grieving the part of your life that you're moving out of, uncertain about the life you're moving into. And it's the messiest part of reality of our human experience. And I think things like menopause and perimenopause and thyroid disorders and all of these things happen in the middle of life because we refuse to let go of the baggage from the first half of our life, which is where I find superconscious recode to be the most helpful tool. And we're so terrified of the future because we're afraid of getting old. We're afraid of being in pain all of the time. We're afraid that we're losing ourselves, our identity. And the truth is, we are. Leaving motherhood and stepping into a new era of life has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life. And now I'm always gonna be a mom. But I grazed strong, independent children who don't want mothering as adults. And it's hard because you lose your identity. You're like, oh, I don't know who I am. I don't know what makes me feel passionate. I don't know what makes me excited about life. If it's not to make enough money to pay for her dance shoes or her$100 red lipstick that I don't know why I'm being forced to buy, or if it's not looking on YouTube trying to figure out how to do the perfect dance bun and, you know, all those things, you don't, you lose who you are because you spent two decades being somebody else to someone else. And going through that with a head injury, not to mention just being single and you know, trying to navigate dating in in midlife now, where dating in the wild is kind of unheard of, and you know, you're dealing with apps and bots and things we didn't have to deal with when it was in the 90s, like, you know, it's hard. So I guess I'm just saying this because if you're in it right now, if you're in the messy middle and you're struggling, like I'm gonna invite you to Soma Tribe because it's it is the thing that I created for people who don't know where to start on their journey. And it's also for people who aren't ready to really heal with someone else. Maybe you're not ready for that kind of vulnerability. Maybe you're an eight or three on the Enneagram or a seven, and you're like, I'm not gonna share my story with anyone yet. That's okay. Like, I remember thinking like, I'm not ready to share my stories with someone else and to have them unpack them and look at them in a way that I'm gonna like, I'm not ready. And, you know, Claude, he'll always say, It's time to get a therapist, Tabitha. You know I'm not human, right? And I'm like, well, obviously I've been in this rodeo for a long time, Claude, but you're helping me understand a lot of the things that I couldn't see before. So I will find a therapist. Thank you. I have the number for one. And um, it's not like I did the whole thing alone. I had great coaches, right? Who gave me reflections and gave me help. And I had a lot of great healers enter my life. And I know that I'm just gonna tell you, it's hard in the middle. Whatever stage of healing you're at, in the middle is the hardest. It's the most frustrating. It's where we feel the most depleted, it's where we question our darkest shadows. You know, if you look at Joseph Campbell's arc of um, if you look at Joseph Campbell's arc of the hero's journey, there's that middle section of the journey, which most of us turn back to the beginning and start over because we're so scared of it. And I think when I created So Much Ribe, I didn't always know what I was creating, but I'll say I think it was for the middle, for the messy middle, to help people get through to the other side. I always say I'm like the person who's standing on the like on the raft in the in the hellfire hollow, and I'm like, hey, come on, I'll walk you through. I'll walk you through your gate of hell, your um what is the the other word that they use for it? The shadow lands, the um a pit of despair. I remember in uh that one movie, Atreyu on the horse and that sinking marsh. Okay, now I'm now my ADHD is taking over, and I have a meeting to get to. But I'll talk about this more because I think it's important that we have voices in the middle, people who can help guide you through the messiest parts of life, um, who can hold space for worst and best case scenario at the same time and just give you room to know that that both are true at the same time. Because that's life. If you know a single mom or you know someone who's had a brain injury, even a mild one, send them this episode because sometimes validation is all we need. And I do have some programs I'm developing to work with mild traumatic brain injuries, um, just to support the healing in the brain and the emotional, the emotional um aspect of it. So um I'll put the links to those things down below, but I do have to run. So I hope you're having a beautiful day and take care out there, okay?

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Tabitha MacDonald

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